Meltdowns. We've all been through them. And if we're being real, we've sometimes melted down right alongside our kids.

So let's talk about why telling them to "calm down" never works.

When was the last time you were sad or angry and someone told you to calm down? How did that go?

It's probably the least effective way to get anyone calm. Your calm is the only way to help them settle as quickly as possible. Will that take six minutes? Not necessarily. Maybe longer. And yes it isn’t the easiest to remain calm in such a situation.

Tantrum or meltdown?

There's a difference.

A tantrum happens when a child doesn't get their way. They scream to high heavens. They use their body and their behaviour to see if you'll backtrack on the thing you said ‘no’ to. They seem to be in some sort of control. And you know that if you gave them the thing, they'd likely calm down instantly. But, there was a reason you said ‘no’ to it- and likely a good one. So hold he ‘no’ calmly and allow them the time to move on.

A meltdown hits differently. Your child's feelings are all too much right now, and their little brain can't process them. They're all over the place. Even if you gave them the thing, they wouldn't calm down. They'd probably throw it.

This is your child in crisis.

What doesn't work

Shouting louder than them. Showing them you mean business. A finger pointed in their face.

None of it works. Because what they need is time. Time to feel the disappointment. Time to experience their feelings. And time to come down from that high point and learn that they'll be okay.

What to do instead

 Be their calm.

Get down to their level. Let empathy show on your face. This is hard for you, but it's hard for them too.

Gently say, "I'm here."

When they're ready, they might crawl onto your lap and calm down the rest of the way.

And that's it.

It's not a teaching moment. It's not the time to fix it by offering them all the things. It's a time for connection, and for them to get a little smidge closer to regulating themselves.

Your step this week

If it all kicks off: get low, share your calm and ride the wave.

Want to go deeper?

To understand more about why behaviours happen, download our free guide, Why Your Child Does That.