Was I too harsh? Too soft? Did I handle that the right way, or should I have done something different?

Every parent I meet has asked themselves these questions. I have too…. Lying in bed awake at 1am.

So you google it. And you find 234 different answers.

I get it. We have so much information at our fingertips. Surely someone in the mum group chat has been through this exact meltdown. They probably have. But the root cause may not be the same as what you're dealing with.

Behaviour always has a purpose

Here's the thing. Your child's behaviour is doing a job for them. It usually gets them one of four things:

•   It brings them closer to you.
• Something they want or need. A toy, a snack, a turn.
• A way out. It helps them avoid something that feels too hard.
• A feeling. It helps them feel good, calm or stimulated.

And which one it is can depend on the kind of day they've had.

A new routine. A new teacher. New friends. All of that affects whether they'll accept penne instead of the usual fusilli tonight.

Ask "what does my child need?"

When we can look at a situation and ask "what do they need right now?", our response can match what's really going on.

If they need connection, we give it to them. If something is too hard, we help them.

Meet the need. Keep the boundary.

But this is the shift that changes everything. You keep the boundary in place.

All feelings are welcome. Not all behaviours are.

He can cry because school was overwhelming. He can't hog all the Lego from his brother. The boundary is simple: Lego is for everyone.

So you get everyone safe. You acknowledge his feelings. You teach him to ask for what he needs. And then you give it to him, if appropriate.

Even if that means you're sitting in a rocking chair, holding your 5-year-old while he cries on your shoulder, while your 3-year-old dresses themselves.

Recognise the need. Keep the boundary. And always meet that need.

Your step this week

Next time a behaviour pops up, pause before you respond. Ask yourself one question: what is this getting them?

Connection? Something they want? A way out? A feeling?

You won't get it right every time. That's fine. Just start asking.

Want to go deeper?

To understand a little more about why behaviours happen, download our free guide, Why Your Child Does That.